On family guests

   Guests are one thing but family guests are another. They require special consideration and rules mainly due to the delicacy of the familial bonds that dare not be broken, except in cases of distant incarceration, in which instance the best policy would be to send holiday cards only without any personal notes, thereby maintaining the thinnest connectivity. When there is a disturbance in the family fabric it has a tendency to propel vibrations far and wide and to engender tremors in faraway and unexpected places. One of the consequences of which is that the original actors in the drama are misunderstood, misquoted and generally maligned by persons who hardly know them and can’t be bothered to find out the facts. In order to preserve the status quo of cherished family values and character, some precepts ought to be observed by the host and hostess when sheltering family:

1. Never loan them money as a house guest. Its corollary: never ask for repayment by a guest, lest it be misunderstood as “rent”. 

2. Do not encourage the family guest to give up a cherished vice, such as drinking, smoking or gambling while in your home as this is likely to exacerbate violent mood swings. 

3. Limit sharp objects around the house, especially within easy reach on kitchen counters. 

4. If a family guest makes an inane and offensive remark at table such as, “Not all slave owners were really bad people,” ask them to help in the kitchen with some menial task in order to defuse any ill-will, especially if it happens to be Martin Luther King Day. 

5. Placate dietary requirements as best you can but do not be vexed by unanticipated and unexpressed needs. Meet them with casual nonchalance such as, “I don’t believe you mentioned that to me” or “Help me find a substitute in your food pyramid.” 

6. Provide ample brochures for local activity in rooms and meet requests for things to do with a slightly bewildered deflection to them. 

7. Plainly express your day’s plan ahead of time and let the family guests work around your schedule. Leave explanatory notes with diagrams on the kitchen counter when you must be away. 

8. Inform the family that your pet has a delicate nature and that territorial displays are to be expected, the consequences for which you will not be responsible, no matter the provocation. Stock in stain remover. 

9. The second phrase after welcome must be, “Remind me how long you said you will be with us?” A direct declaration is important for clarity. Much sorrow and ill-will has arisen from over-staying, Benjamin Franklin’s quotation notwithstanding. Remind your guest how thin your walls are. Blame the builder. 

 10. Your goal is to make it all look easy. Even those who exploit your kindness with unexpressed appreciation can sense the effort you have made. Somewhere in the deepest recesses of self the rewards of kinship will be felt. Offer to reciprocate with a visit of your own in the near future.

Kisses,

Celeste